_______________Only those who never gives up gets to see a miracle______

Sunday, July 26, 2009
7/26/2009 11:57:00 PM

My heart hurts.. so much... it's bleeding so much...

borrowed $50 from mum a couple of days ago.. so that i could spend it on her on the 25th...
Stupid? maybe.. i dunno.. didn't have enough money to send her flowers yea.. but at least the 50 bucks was enough to send her to work and have lunch with her...

dont tink she remembers yesterday was our 2mth anniversary... ha.. 2mths would be just a joke to her.. doubt she even remembers what day it is...
I dont blame her though.. she has so many things on her mind, so many guys in her life... so many anniversary days to remember.. there's DR, XR, Charles, Steve, and whoever whoever... i'm just a nobody.. y would she even bother to remember haha...

I tink i am just a close fren to her.. i dunno.. soneone whom she can talk to freely.. so that she no need to keep her thoughts all inside her mind... but i know i can never grab her heart...
I dunno y i love her so deep so much... i really have no idea...

No1 really understands my position. i really dunno.. sometimes she treats me nice... sometiems she treats me bad..
i realise i am already in a very fortunate position already.. for her to bare her heart to me.. talk about her family, her frens, her suitors.. all the guys in her life... yea sometimes it hurts to know what they do.. but it's still a position where many ppl will admire.. even peng doesn't have that privilege..

i really dunno if she likes me at all or just treat me like a close fren who she can bear her heart to..

I've got a new nickname... 24 Filial Dog. I dunno what to say.. Infront of my frens & colleagues, i have no pride at all... Lv999 Wee Chee Mong Kok.. but it's ok... I can drop every single 1 of my frens just for her..
Does pride really matters in love? I've been to buy cosmetics.. nail polish.. hair shampoo.. nail art.. watever watever, drawing curious looks from the sales staff. Bleahs heck care...
I've eaten parsley.. eaten spring onions.. just to make her laugh... made a complete fool of myself infront of her.. so that she can just laugh out..

last friday.. kanna shoot by my 2 best buds until i buey lim chu... but it's true that i'm an asshole.. we've known each other for like 8years.. I can just drop them so easily.. and even threaten to fight with them if they ever badmouth her.. and pangseh them everytime she wants to meet me...

just now... her phone no batt... she asked me if i had a spare phone.. so i was gonna go there and pass her my phone.. w/o any qualms.. so i took the mrt.. yea i was late cos had a little quarrel with my parents.. i was going out so late somemore i still tried to borrow money from my mum again.. was quite late in reaching there...
told her i was reaching then she said she tell the lionel that she pass me something...

As i reached orchard.. she sms me the words: : "I go off le".. my smile dropped...
Called her immediately.. she said she had already left orchard.. just 5 more mins she also didn't wait... cant blame her also.. she hates waiting for people... then she wait quite long already.. then the lionel must had been pestering her to go off with him..

my heart really dropped... i dunno what to say i dunno what to do.. i felt like an idiot.. y the hell i go find a phone.. charge it and then rush to fareast just to pass to her.. only to reach there to find her gone with another guy. Stupid me still alighted at orchard mrt, walked to fareast, go inside walk 1 round before making my way home.

I dunno what to say.. Yea this lionel guy is very gentlemen, very handsome, very tall and rich.. he got the perfume and height of DR.. then the steve today very nice also.. gentlemen.. very generous.. and never touch her also..
& what have i done?? Nothing. Nothing except to make her wait for 30mins @ fareast..
I deserved to be left alone at fareast..

Had to control my tears all the way home.. reach home... i admit i was weak.. dropped afew tears.. but i managed to pull it back.
I told myself i should never cry... but this time my heart really broke into pieces...
It made me realise that I'm such a poor guy... i cant even take care of her.. i cant buy her nice stuff.. no car to send her around... cant pei her when she is stressed.

I am a complete failure... I dont even deserve her love at all..
I cant care for her.. cant be there for her.. cant do anything for her also..
I only managed to add more stress more trouble for her...

Wo mei yong...

waiting for you

Thursday, July 16, 2009
7/16/2009 07:01:00 PM

Today is the opening of Harry Potter & the Half Blood Prince...

Lucky me managed to date her today to go watch together.. tried to book on tuesday.. all the cinemas full sia.. lucky managed to find a nice 2-seat at GV Marina.. booked it immediately regardless of how broke i am...

Finally a chance to be with her solo.. it's been ages that i solo with her

Well.. u would say lucky.. but yesterday.. she went dbl o with meifang.. she's so stressed that she will definitely drink alot dance alot etc... sure knock out...

From that moment i saw her off into the taxi, I had this premonition that she will be not be able to make it for the movie.. But i had expected it... I'm nothing to her... the fact that she agreed to watch the movie with me instead of plain rejecting is already a miracle.

Well, tried to contact her but her phone was totally flat.. no battery... Only managed to contact her exactly at 3PM.. the start time of the show.. She had just reached home... Too exhausted & too late to come.. 23seconds. that was how long the call lasted.

This feeling of being "fang-fei-ji" really sucks man... but what to do.. she's tired.. I dont blame her.. I only blame myself.. blame myself for being useless, blame myself for wishful thinking that she would watch with me.

1st time I ever watched a movie alone.. nice experience.. staring at an empty seat next to me.

It's ok. My heart hurts.. but it's not that she doesn't want to come.. just that abit too late abit too tiring for her.. I'm used to being hurt all the time.. I've been hurt so many times that i tink it's normal.

I'm getting tired... I'm so broke that i dont even have $50 in my bank account.. all that wishful tinking.. all that fantasies of mine is just... crashing down infront of me..

Dunno... I cant feel that she loves me.. just maybe abit feeling..
Perhaps she is just looking for someone she can talk to.. express her true thoughts. One whom she can freely express herself to.. a very close fren..
But i just dont make the cut to be her boyfriend i guess.. I'm too short, too skinny, too light, too weak, too dumbb, not sweet, not adorable, too stupid.. everything bad nothing nice.
I cant even give her a sense of security...

My heart is dropping tears.. How long can i carry on? I have no idea... sometimes i just wish to MIA from everything...

waiting for you

Wednesday, July 08, 2009
7/08/2009 11:02:00 PM

Well, the 1mth passed... i sent her flowers.. wanted to give her a surprise by personally delivering it to her.. i lied to her that i asked the person to deliver the rose to her door.. but actually i took the whole day off.. woke up at 10+ to go jp collect the flowers.. then make my way to her block.. hoping to pass the flowers to her personally.

but.. bcos 1 of her suitors called her... i had to wait under her block for 30mins... before she finally answered my call after my repeated smses... told her that i was under her block.. wanted to give it to her personally...
but she told me just to put the flowers outside her house... sigh...

Then all was well... as per normal...

I asked her if i can get a ring with her... well she agreed! So now i'm wearing a ring~
As for her.. i dunno... sometimes she wears sometimes she doesn't wear... the small kid is clever.. he knows that's not some ordinary ring..

Can see she is starting to like that kid... though her mouth keeps saying he is a fucker, a yp.. they quarrel non-stop almost everyday... she really cares for him.. the stuff she does for him, the way she panics when something happens to him, how frustrated she becomes whenever they quarrel... Everything seems to point that she likes him...

Although she say he is not her future.. but she is definitely falling for him...
Sighs... I wonder what am i... has she ever treated me as a bf???
I thought the 2 sweet smses were really nice.. until i saw that she sent the same 2 to the kid as well..
my heart dropped though i never said... but well, it's already an honour to have recieved it though it's just a duplicate.

We've been 'together' for 1mth+ already... the only sweet days was the 1st few days where she specially wake up to sms me... & that she spent 3hrs just to brew that really nice herbal drink to cure my gastric..

But i know i have never gotten her heart... Her heart is always fluttering amongest the many guys around her.. but simply never to me...
The only special thing i have is that she tells me everything about her life.. like reporting status to me... but i dunno what it means.. does it mean that i am that important that she feels it's necessary to keep me posted about her life?? or isit just she needs someone to talk about her personal things to..

She is always being so nice to other guys... i hate it.. but i dont have a say do i...
Steve, though she keep say she hate she hate.. but her tolerance towards him is so much higher..
She gives gifts to ppl... but never once to me... though i dont mind.. but the element of jealousy is always there....

I'm really broke right now... Everytime she is unhappy, i will try my best to be there for her.. listen to her woes.. try to offer advice, just to get shoot back that i dont understand at all... Play pool.. Eat.. Chill..

Sometimes i just wish i could just say a no to her... but i just cant bring myself to say it at all..
I will tell myself.. there is a limit there is a limit... but everytime i talk to her... the limit just goes...

sigh.... Will i ever give up?? or will i perservere and manage to hold her heart??
The ring i keep wear on my finger... but will she wear it?? Will I be such an important person that she will wear my ring?? Will one day we be able to announce to the world that we are a couple??

waiting for you