_______________Only those who never gives up gets to see a miracle______

Thursday, May 28, 2009
5/28/2009 11:47:00 PM

Dear Diary,

I cant believe this... 1st day was... super super duper sweeettttt... i felt so loved... then on the 3rd day... it all fell crashing to the ground... i screwed up.. why the fuck did i go itchy mouth ask him that stupid question?? Start to kanna backstab liao.. so now it's good luck to me.. i tink more likely is byebye already.

i dont fucking believe it.. everything that i had worked hard for in the last 1yr is gonna come crashing down all the way...

I'll fight yea I'll fight.. but i dunno.. Our relationship is only that 3 days old... And she is the kind who will slowly fall in love.. so 3 days is just not enough for her to commit.. For me, before the start, i already committed 100%.

I finally know what is called true love.. what is called to love a person..
Love can really make a person do alot of stunts... things that he wont normally do..

Will it be byebye for me? Will I lose this battle?
I am so broke now that i cannot afford to bring her out to eat etc...
Paying for all the debts have left me stranded..
I dont even have enough money for myself already...

I wanted to listen to her voice on tuesday.. Bcos i couldn't take the stress anymore.. But she dozed off.. I dont blame her.. she's really very tired after working.. Embarrassingly, I burst into tears on my bed suddenly. Till now i never told anyone about it.. super embarrassing...

Right now i really feel like crying again... Something i worked towards for the past 1yr... finally achieved... now it's just slowly slipping away from your fingers..
Fuck it... Already cried 2 times in the past 3mths... Y am i such a crybaby.. and i swore to myself after my grandfather's death that I'll never cry so easily ever again..

If i win this battle, i do not gain much.. only to face even more challenges further on..
If i lose this battle, i will lose 2 of my closest frens.. Never to contact each other again..

Typing this entry brings tears to my eyes. No i wont cry. I'm just sad at the state of things. Why cant people love freely?
Just bcos you like her, u kill off everyone who gets close to her, but you dont even have the balls to admit u like her. Fuck you.

waiting for you

Wednesday, May 27, 2009
5/27/2009 12:24:00 PM

16hrs after i posted my previous entry, the most amazing thing happened in my life.

SHE FINALLY AGREED TO BE MY GF. OMG OMG OMG!

On 25/5/2009 4.25PM, she finally agreed to be my gf~

omg omg... i really cannot believe my ears... I'm really at a loss for words.

I LOVE YOU AVALYN!~

waiting for you

Monday, May 25, 2009
5/25/2009 12:47:00 AM

Didn't talk to her much today..

She's feeling super stress now.. went back to taking 'sweet'..
sigh..

meet up for awhile just now.. we just talk abit.. i didn't have much to say... maybe i finally ran out of topics le ba... so i generally kept abit quiet...

had a little craving for sour stuff.. so dun care going to cough or not.. bought a pack of chipsters tomato flavour..

Dunno.. I feel i've become dependent on avalyn & peng.. i'm very used to them already.. They brought me out of my shell..

Sometimes i feel i need to go back in my shell.. living my boring life..
dunno... i always tell her that if she finds someone else that she really love.. then i will wish her happiness..
Well... it's a high possibility.. i am not the best and definitely 1 of the worst..
I've thought of this before.. I realise Love itself is really very weida.. I love her till the point where i just want her to be happy.. I'll do anything and go to any lengths just to relieve her stress & make her happy... even if she is not my gf...
Getting her as my gf is really a remote possibility.. thought she say she got abit like me.. which had me staring at that sms repeatedly for a damn long time.

Well.. i dunno what i will do if she has another guy as bf.. probably i'll just go back deeper into my shell.. maybe i'll just slit my wrist.. haha.. really thought of that before...

i dunno.. I've done all of what i can.. I've cracked my brains and did anything i could tink of... wonder what else can i do... sigh..

waiting for you

Sunday, May 24, 2009
5/24/2009 03:30:00 AM

Sometimes i wonder what she does all the time...
a lil secretive.. like u only know a part of her life.. but u wont know the other part...

Feel really happy and ecstatic whenever she messages me. No matter she is happy or sad. cos i'll be there to share her joy or her troubles.

She's really uncontrollable haha.. well that's her. Bu Jian Guan Cai Bu Liu Lei...
but it's really cute of her..
Imagine she will never drink chinese medicine or herbal drinks at all, but when she sick, she will drink alot alot..

Eye pain = put many many eyedrops..
Sore Throat = many many strepsils..

sometimes see already also shake head ah.. bwg..

dunno y.. no matter what she does, correct or wrong, seems so logical and cute. haha.

Waiting up the entire night for her to gimme a ring when she reaches home..
she going to do something dangerous... which has me worrying till i cant sleep. no mood play games either...

The phone is constantly next to me. Set it to maximum ring already..
Hope i wont miss her call... cos she always wee hour call ppl will give that short little ring, more like half a ring... u miss it, then she wont call again..

Waiting for her to tell me that she's safely back home again...

waiting for you

Saturday, May 23, 2009
5/23/2009 02:04:00 AM

Well.. it's nearly a week. still emo. still fan.

Changed the blog addr. so that all previous ppl whom i gave access to can no longer see anymore.
dun tink i wanna give this address to anyone anymore. lidat i can write everything & anything i want.

I've managed to put enough money together to get 3.8k... damn.. wish it was before... now damn broke... even a 3.8k i also have hard time putting together.. and that is after scraping almost every cent i have and then borrow from my relative.

My mum's clever. she knows i need money... she can observe my actions.. when i dig out all my money stashes & ask her for my bankbook.

Guess what. she knows it's Avalyn.. omg... she just said "Must be RuiLing rite. or else anybody u wont be so kancheong & so willing to spend this much money"

This time i managed to scrape together 3.8k... next time really cannot already... sigh.. am really really broke...

Have to watch on what i've spend on already... Not gonna buy any more gadgets.. no more shirts/jeans... Shoes wait till really badly damaged then buy. lidat can save $ le ba..

Been so long since i've been in debt... i never owe anyone other than my mum more than $100..

Hope to solve all her problems.. dun mind if it means creating problems for myself..
di siao-ed her by saying her problems never-ending 1.. 1 end 1 come.. she got a lil pissed off.. *emo*

Gary is rather pissed at me. tink he complains alot about me to Anthony already..
Been talking on the phone during work abit too much.. that time off 2 days then weekend then mc again... then i took off days & leave abruptly.. then plus that morning urgent leave i took then never attend the 8am mtg...

This mth.. all the leave & off i've taken... all is for her haha.. i dun mind though. it's really worth it. If this little trouble can help solve her problems.. it is really really very worth it..

Damn broke now.. dunno how i can jio her in the future.. hell.. i dun even have enough to pay for her meals...
Asked her several times to be my gf.. by sms.. by phone.. by face-to-face.. all fail leh.. she siam the question... dunno if she take me seriously or not haha... or maybe she shy...
sure hope i have the chance la... dunno.. compared to the rest.. i am sort of the closest already.. As in.. she trusts me to do things for her, she trusts me to tell me her inner thoughts..
Even when she is seh, she still can remember got me and tell me to fetch her.. although that day i also seh from medicine still go fetch her.. i feel really honoured and happy.. at least when she is seh cant tink properly my name does appear in her head..

waiting for you

Sunday, May 17, 2009
5/17/2009 08:32:00 PM

Life sucks.

Everyone around me is having problems...

Funny thing huh. when i have no problems, people around me have problems. when i have problems, ppl around me have even bigger problems.

Sigh.

I really dunno what else i can do... what can i do to make you fall in love with me..

I've done nearly everything there is possible.. i really dunno what else i can do already...

I've always tried to be there for you whenever u need me. No matter how broke how tired how much my parents objected, i will always be there..

I know i cant move ur heart.. i cant make u fall fully in love with me yEa...
but i really really love u alot alot...

Sometimes i feel so close.. sometimes i feel so distant... really like a rollercoaster ride.
i dunno y it has to be you.. I've never been so concerned so crazy over any person..
I feel i'm not even myself anymore.

You say i'm a gd person.. but really.. nobody likes good guys. perhaps u are different. but i dont see the effect yet..

I really done everything i can tink of le.. i ask from frens for tips.. everything.. all can do 1 i've done le...

Everyone tells me to give up. say find another 1...
but.. i just dont give. i wont give up....

Ppl say I'm stupid, dumb, idiot, kum, noob, failure, throw guy face, look down on me. but i just dont fucking care. I'm already numb to all these.
No matter what ppl say, i just dont wanna give up. i dont wanna regret my entire life...
Even if i fail.. at least i've tried and trying my best.

I really really love u... yEs i do... no1 has made my heart beat this fast.. i've never dreamt of someone so often.. i've never thought of someone this much..

funny thing is, when ppl hear what i did, they all say "wow if a guy/girl does these to me, I'll be his/her bf/gf la!"

i dunno... wooing u is a rollercoaster ride... but i've never been really that close physically.. maybe bcos i dont dare to touch u & i dont wanna touch u before u are my gf too.

In the background, i would daresay mE & pEng are the closest to u le..
u 2 are the closest to me too. Infront of u guys, i feel safe talking about my secrets.

In front of other ppl... I am so far away.. i cannot even touch u..
Looking back... i never touched u much at all... that time help to massage ur painful palm & sometimes hold u lightly by the elbow to guide u.. that's all...

Seems sad huh.. haha.. but i should say i am contented ba... to reach that position is already very good given my own standard... i dont daresay about the future. the future is so uncertain. Everything will be so different. from the past 11mths with u, i've grown used to things happening non stop. 1 incident ends & the next 1 starts.

Now i worry so much about u omg... i really feel useless that i cant help u at all..
I also damn useless that i cant come up with a mere $3600... I'm really at my wits end...
Frens all siam me.. i cant ask much relatives also... i tink i may have to take a bank loan..

Ppl always ask me & occasionally i ask myself too.. y the fuck am i doing all this.. I really have no idea... I just want to solve ur problems by any means possible, even if it means creating problems for myself.
I do admit I'm having problems with my parents, my frens and my work.. but i just dont care.
Just to go out with u, to be with u, to solve ur problems, I can just fuck care everything i have. I just want u to be happy.. As long as u are happy.. even if u are not my gf... i will be happy too.
Should u like some other guy, i will help u wherever i can.. as long as u are happy...

Wo zhen de zhen de hen xi huan ni.....
could never find the chance to ask you be my gf....
I just wish u will nod ur head... or at least give some hints.. but i know that's not ur style....
It's ok. I'll always be there for you no matter what. If u need someone to talk to, to accompany, I'll always be there for u. Right there.

I LOVE YOU... I REALLY DO....

waiting for you