_______________Only those who never gives up gets to see a miracle______

Thursday, September 24, 2009
9/24/2009 06:33:00 AM

Sad sadded saddest.

I dunno what to say. I dunno what to type. I dunno what I feel.

Life's in shambles... Finance is bad, Career is bad, Education is bad, Love life is..... Sigh.

I somehow managed to see through alot of things le... I've realised that alot of things cant be done by me.. Starting to acknowledge the fact already...

No matter what happened, somehow or rather, I'm still always be there for you.

You said u missed my smile.. but i cant bring myself to tell you that.. You took the smile away with you..

I'll try to smile infront of you.. so as not to add on stress to you.. Hope the smiles dont look too fake cos in reality, my heart's weeping all the time.

waiting for you

Tuesday, September 01, 2009
9/01/2009 12:54:00 AM

Sashiburida. (Jap for long time no see)

Those who are reading my blog, pls dont read le... delete the blog addr away... too emo ya i know...

But is ok! i'm getting better day by day i guess. I will try to move on with my life.. no longer stagnant there le....

My new motto in life: Find a reason to smile everyday.

Am now studying for my CCNA..

If that day really comes that i am just not the one... tink i will really move on ba.. For now, focus on solving my financial problems 1st...

waiting for you

Sunday, July 26, 2009
7/26/2009 11:57:00 PM

My heart hurts.. so much... it's bleeding so much...

borrowed $50 from mum a couple of days ago.. so that i could spend it on her on the 25th...
Stupid? maybe.. i dunno.. didn't have enough money to send her flowers yea.. but at least the 50 bucks was enough to send her to work and have lunch with her...

dont tink she remembers yesterday was our 2mth anniversary... ha.. 2mths would be just a joke to her.. doubt she even remembers what day it is...
I dont blame her though.. she has so many things on her mind, so many guys in her life... so many anniversary days to remember.. there's DR, XR, Charles, Steve, and whoever whoever... i'm just a nobody.. y would she even bother to remember haha...

I tink i am just a close fren to her.. i dunno.. soneone whom she can talk to freely.. so that she no need to keep her thoughts all inside her mind... but i know i can never grab her heart...
I dunno y i love her so deep so much... i really have no idea...

No1 really understands my position. i really dunno.. sometimes she treats me nice... sometiems she treats me bad..
i realise i am already in a very fortunate position already.. for her to bare her heart to me.. talk about her family, her frens, her suitors.. all the guys in her life... yea sometimes it hurts to know what they do.. but it's still a position where many ppl will admire.. even peng doesn't have that privilege..

i really dunno if she likes me at all or just treat me like a close fren who she can bear her heart to..

I've got a new nickname... 24 Filial Dog. I dunno what to say.. Infront of my frens & colleagues, i have no pride at all... Lv999 Wee Chee Mong Kok.. but it's ok... I can drop every single 1 of my frens just for her..
Does pride really matters in love? I've been to buy cosmetics.. nail polish.. hair shampoo.. nail art.. watever watever, drawing curious looks from the sales staff. Bleahs heck care...
I've eaten parsley.. eaten spring onions.. just to make her laugh... made a complete fool of myself infront of her.. so that she can just laugh out..

last friday.. kanna shoot by my 2 best buds until i buey lim chu... but it's true that i'm an asshole.. we've known each other for like 8years.. I can just drop them so easily.. and even threaten to fight with them if they ever badmouth her.. and pangseh them everytime she wants to meet me...

just now... her phone no batt... she asked me if i had a spare phone.. so i was gonna go there and pass her my phone.. w/o any qualms.. so i took the mrt.. yea i was late cos had a little quarrel with my parents.. i was going out so late somemore i still tried to borrow money from my mum again.. was quite late in reaching there...
told her i was reaching then she said she tell the lionel that she pass me something...

As i reached orchard.. she sms me the words: : "I go off le".. my smile dropped...
Called her immediately.. she said she had already left orchard.. just 5 more mins she also didn't wait... cant blame her also.. she hates waiting for people... then she wait quite long already.. then the lionel must had been pestering her to go off with him..

my heart really dropped... i dunno what to say i dunno what to do.. i felt like an idiot.. y the hell i go find a phone.. charge it and then rush to fareast just to pass to her.. only to reach there to find her gone with another guy. Stupid me still alighted at orchard mrt, walked to fareast, go inside walk 1 round before making my way home.

I dunno what to say.. Yea this lionel guy is very gentlemen, very handsome, very tall and rich.. he got the perfume and height of DR.. then the steve today very nice also.. gentlemen.. very generous.. and never touch her also..
& what have i done?? Nothing. Nothing except to make her wait for 30mins @ fareast..
I deserved to be left alone at fareast..

Had to control my tears all the way home.. reach home... i admit i was weak.. dropped afew tears.. but i managed to pull it back.
I told myself i should never cry... but this time my heart really broke into pieces...
It made me realise that I'm such a poor guy... i cant even take care of her.. i cant buy her nice stuff.. no car to send her around... cant pei her when she is stressed.

I am a complete failure... I dont even deserve her love at all..
I cant care for her.. cant be there for her.. cant do anything for her also..
I only managed to add more stress more trouble for her...

Wo mei yong...

waiting for you

Thursday, July 16, 2009
7/16/2009 07:01:00 PM

Today is the opening of Harry Potter & the Half Blood Prince...

Lucky me managed to date her today to go watch together.. tried to book on tuesday.. all the cinemas full sia.. lucky managed to find a nice 2-seat at GV Marina.. booked it immediately regardless of how broke i am...

Finally a chance to be with her solo.. it's been ages that i solo with her

Well.. u would say lucky.. but yesterday.. she went dbl o with meifang.. she's so stressed that she will definitely drink alot dance alot etc... sure knock out...

From that moment i saw her off into the taxi, I had this premonition that she will be not be able to make it for the movie.. But i had expected it... I'm nothing to her... the fact that she agreed to watch the movie with me instead of plain rejecting is already a miracle.

Well, tried to contact her but her phone was totally flat.. no battery... Only managed to contact her exactly at 3PM.. the start time of the show.. She had just reached home... Too exhausted & too late to come.. 23seconds. that was how long the call lasted.

This feeling of being "fang-fei-ji" really sucks man... but what to do.. she's tired.. I dont blame her.. I only blame myself.. blame myself for being useless, blame myself for wishful thinking that she would watch with me.

1st time I ever watched a movie alone.. nice experience.. staring at an empty seat next to me.

It's ok. My heart hurts.. but it's not that she doesn't want to come.. just that abit too late abit too tiring for her.. I'm used to being hurt all the time.. I've been hurt so many times that i tink it's normal.

I'm getting tired... I'm so broke that i dont even have $50 in my bank account.. all that wishful tinking.. all that fantasies of mine is just... crashing down infront of me..

Dunno... I cant feel that she loves me.. just maybe abit feeling..
Perhaps she is just looking for someone she can talk to.. express her true thoughts. One whom she can freely express herself to.. a very close fren..
But i just dont make the cut to be her boyfriend i guess.. I'm too short, too skinny, too light, too weak, too dumbb, not sweet, not adorable, too stupid.. everything bad nothing nice.
I cant even give her a sense of security...

My heart is dropping tears.. How long can i carry on? I have no idea... sometimes i just wish to MIA from everything...

waiting for you

Wednesday, July 08, 2009
7/08/2009 11:02:00 PM

Well, the 1mth passed... i sent her flowers.. wanted to give her a surprise by personally delivering it to her.. i lied to her that i asked the person to deliver the rose to her door.. but actually i took the whole day off.. woke up at 10+ to go jp collect the flowers.. then make my way to her block.. hoping to pass the flowers to her personally.

but.. bcos 1 of her suitors called her... i had to wait under her block for 30mins... before she finally answered my call after my repeated smses... told her that i was under her block.. wanted to give it to her personally...
but she told me just to put the flowers outside her house... sigh...

Then all was well... as per normal...

I asked her if i can get a ring with her... well she agreed! So now i'm wearing a ring~
As for her.. i dunno... sometimes she wears sometimes she doesn't wear... the small kid is clever.. he knows that's not some ordinary ring..

Can see she is starting to like that kid... though her mouth keeps saying he is a fucker, a yp.. they quarrel non-stop almost everyday... she really cares for him.. the stuff she does for him, the way she panics when something happens to him, how frustrated she becomes whenever they quarrel... Everything seems to point that she likes him...

Although she say he is not her future.. but she is definitely falling for him...
Sighs... I wonder what am i... has she ever treated me as a bf???
I thought the 2 sweet smses were really nice.. until i saw that she sent the same 2 to the kid as well..
my heart dropped though i never said... but well, it's already an honour to have recieved it though it's just a duplicate.

We've been 'together' for 1mth+ already... the only sweet days was the 1st few days where she specially wake up to sms me... & that she spent 3hrs just to brew that really nice herbal drink to cure my gastric..

But i know i have never gotten her heart... Her heart is always fluttering amongest the many guys around her.. but simply never to me...
The only special thing i have is that she tells me everything about her life.. like reporting status to me... but i dunno what it means.. does it mean that i am that important that she feels it's necessary to keep me posted about her life?? or isit just she needs someone to talk about her personal things to..

She is always being so nice to other guys... i hate it.. but i dont have a say do i...
Steve, though she keep say she hate she hate.. but her tolerance towards him is so much higher..
She gives gifts to ppl... but never once to me... though i dont mind.. but the element of jealousy is always there....

I'm really broke right now... Everytime she is unhappy, i will try my best to be there for her.. listen to her woes.. try to offer advice, just to get shoot back that i dont understand at all... Play pool.. Eat.. Chill..

Sometimes i just wish i could just say a no to her... but i just cant bring myself to say it at all..
I will tell myself.. there is a limit there is a limit... but everytime i talk to her... the limit just goes...

sigh.... Will i ever give up?? or will i perservere and manage to hold her heart??
The ring i keep wear on my finger... but will she wear it?? Will I be such an important person that she will wear my ring?? Will one day we be able to announce to the world that we are a couple??

waiting for you

Monday, June 22, 2009
6/22/2009 02:08:00 AM

I feel so sad. I feel so emo.

Today, I really didn't feel like talking at all.. Just like the me 1-2yrs ago.
So i just kept quiet..

Peng said i spoke less than 5 sentences today...

I have this question on my mind...

Last time was "Where do I stand?"

But right now... I just wanna ask her... "Am I still your boyfriend? Is our relationship still valid?"
I cant bring myself to ask her... I'm afraid of the answer...
Furthermore, this will only add stress to her.. burden her with more stress..
This question will only put her in a spot.

I can cope with this alone.. no need to add on to hers...
I'll be the 1 who is sad over this relationship...

3 more days... 3 more days will be our 1st mth... dunno if she remembers...

** SaD **
-Listening to repeats of Li Jiu Zhe - Bu Wan Mei-

waiting for you

Sunday, June 21, 2009
6/21/2009 05:50:00 PM

Found it was a mistake.. she mistook me for another person...

But now... more problems have surfaced...

i dunno how to say it..

I'll always be there to support her decision.. I'll advise, I'll guide... but ultimately it's her decision..
No matter what it is.. i will always stand behind her decision. Always...

waiting for you

Monday, June 15, 2009
6/15/2009 02:09:00 PM

Today is a sad day...

She's having a fever right now.. she just recover not long ago now she sick again...
Then her sister back pain unable to take care of her..

And they have no lunch and noone to take care of them..

Thought they needed someone to take care of them...
Couldn't ask gary for leave... so i went above him direct to anthony.
Basically i panicked... All that was in my mind was just to get to them, get lunch for them & take care of them.. especially her.. i dont even care how much work i had in office..

Lucky anton damn understanding.. he spoke to gary on my behalf and approved me leaving...
And i couldn't even give him a time when i could come back to office..

Dun care me broke... jitao rush cab to jurong.. ask uncle drive faster faster...
At Lornie Rd.. bcos the uncle drive abit fast.. almost kanna accident... car infront suddenly brake.. heng the uncle jam the brakes hard enough.. the brakes screech damn loud... stop just nice... less than afew cm from the front car..

Reached jurong le.. went to draw cash.. saw the time... 10.55 already... faster ciong to Mac buy macbreakfast for her sister. then ciong to buy fish porridge for her.. though she no appetite.. dun care just buy for her lor..
tink i opened my knee wound again.. hurting now..

reached her house at 11.07am... sweating.. cos i fastwalk/jog to buy food and go her house..
Her sis opened the door.. i went in.. tinking that i today take care of them...

Went into her room... ask her how is she...
The moment she saw me... she just screamed for me to get out...
and scold her sister y let me into the house...

At that point... my heart was shattered to pieces...
After all i did.. all i got was a...

I really really felt like an idiot at that point of time..
Y was i so kancheong and rushing all the way from lorong chuan to jurong?
Y did i panic in office?

I am not a gd boyfriend..
When she is sick she doesnt even want to see me at all..
I cant even gain her basic trust..

I finally realised where i stand..
What to do.. gotta know my own standard... reach this current position already considered tyco le...

Right now I just hope she recovers asap.. she has suffered enough recently.. Pls god dun let her suffer anymore.. I'll take her place instead.. just put all the sickness on me...

*** Heart-Broken ***

waiting for you

Thursday, June 11, 2009
6/11/2009 11:32:00 PM

The backstabbing has begun.. lucky we had a very short private moment together and we realised that he was the middle person making the misunderstanding...

It is true.. one can resort to anything despicable when it comes to love..
Hope i can gain a foothold in her heart before he kills me off..

Met sister just now... had a short talk... she advise me to put career 1st instead of love...
but i know she also is afraid to commit into love..

Me? I'm afraid too.. I'm really in too deep.. I gave out my heart already.. the full 100%..
Never one day did i not have my phone beside me.. waiting for that 1sec miss call or that sms..
My phone practically exists just for her...

I may never recover from this hurt if she leaves me..
I know I'll be just a passing cloud past her borderless sky..
All the things I've done for her, every other guy can do so too.. and do it better..

She'll most probably totally forget about me in 3-6mths...
But the hurt she leaves will stay with me forever & forever.

I dunno.. I am really scared...
I got no looks, no money, no brain.
The only thing i have that i can give to her is my heart... which alot other guys can and have done so too...

Sometimes i feel i'm something in her heart.. yet sometimes i feel i'm just nothing..
It's a super big rollercoaster ride...

I know she can see right through me.. and she knows i'm most probably tinking too much again..
So she'll always gimme miss calls to let me know that she's free for a chat.
Or even when she's not free, she'll still make the effort & time to have a short talk with me..

Really touched...
U know.. to get the attention of a girl like her... is harder than getting to heaven..
I wish i could be just 24/7 next to her, talking to her, looking at her...
Yet.. i dont even have the courage to call her out of my own accord, hold her hand, give her a hug etc...
To me, she is just that angel from above.. So.. unique so special.. so beautiful.. so out of this world..

I'm really privileged.. to get into her inner circle.. and now, her bf, though it's never announced.
I dont mind though.. I'm already in a position that many many men have tried and failed...
It's even more than winning top prize in toto. It's simply priceless.

But one day, I truly hope that I can announce loudly to the world, that she is MY GF. that i can hold her hand in public. and wear our couple rings together just like every other couple.
To be able to be with her throughout her happy days her sad days her emo days her troubled days.. till the day she parts this world.

I just wanna say... I love you dear. I really really do.. No matter how long this relationship can last.. I will never ever forget the days I've spent with u..

I love you...
To be able to be your bf even though it's never announced, is the best thing that ever happened to me.

waiting for you

Wednesday, June 10, 2009
6/10/2009 08:51:00 PM

So far has been so good ba....

all has been rather peaceful ba...

Am even more broke than ever...

struggling to pay debts... have hardly 500 bucks inside bank account now...

But the gd thing is, I'm getting closer & closer to her... that's what i feel.. or rather.. she is paying more & more attention to me already...

was really really touched that just bcos i dont like it, she rather let her mum scold than ask that asshole..
She thought of my feelings even though she was super duper tired & pissed.
really really super touched. no1 has even done that for me... and for her to do it... really super unexpected...

really really super touched...

waiting for you

Thursday, May 28, 2009
5/28/2009 11:47:00 PM

Dear Diary,

I cant believe this... 1st day was... super super duper sweeettttt... i felt so loved... then on the 3rd day... it all fell crashing to the ground... i screwed up.. why the fuck did i go itchy mouth ask him that stupid question?? Start to kanna backstab liao.. so now it's good luck to me.. i tink more likely is byebye already.

i dont fucking believe it.. everything that i had worked hard for in the last 1yr is gonna come crashing down all the way...

I'll fight yea I'll fight.. but i dunno.. Our relationship is only that 3 days old... And she is the kind who will slowly fall in love.. so 3 days is just not enough for her to commit.. For me, before the start, i already committed 100%.

I finally know what is called true love.. what is called to love a person..
Love can really make a person do alot of stunts... things that he wont normally do..

Will it be byebye for me? Will I lose this battle?
I am so broke now that i cannot afford to bring her out to eat etc...
Paying for all the debts have left me stranded..
I dont even have enough money for myself already...

I wanted to listen to her voice on tuesday.. Bcos i couldn't take the stress anymore.. But she dozed off.. I dont blame her.. she's really very tired after working.. Embarrassingly, I burst into tears on my bed suddenly. Till now i never told anyone about it.. super embarrassing...

Right now i really feel like crying again... Something i worked towards for the past 1yr... finally achieved... now it's just slowly slipping away from your fingers..
Fuck it... Already cried 2 times in the past 3mths... Y am i such a crybaby.. and i swore to myself after my grandfather's death that I'll never cry so easily ever again..

If i win this battle, i do not gain much.. only to face even more challenges further on..
If i lose this battle, i will lose 2 of my closest frens.. Never to contact each other again..

Typing this entry brings tears to my eyes. No i wont cry. I'm just sad at the state of things. Why cant people love freely?
Just bcos you like her, u kill off everyone who gets close to her, but you dont even have the balls to admit u like her. Fuck you.

waiting for you

Wednesday, May 27, 2009
5/27/2009 12:24:00 PM

16hrs after i posted my previous entry, the most amazing thing happened in my life.

SHE FINALLY AGREED TO BE MY GF. OMG OMG OMG!

On 25/5/2009 4.25PM, she finally agreed to be my gf~

omg omg... i really cannot believe my ears... I'm really at a loss for words.

I LOVE YOU AVALYN!~

waiting for you

Monday, May 25, 2009
5/25/2009 12:47:00 AM

Didn't talk to her much today..

She's feeling super stress now.. went back to taking 'sweet'..
sigh..

meet up for awhile just now.. we just talk abit.. i didn't have much to say... maybe i finally ran out of topics le ba... so i generally kept abit quiet...

had a little craving for sour stuff.. so dun care going to cough or not.. bought a pack of chipsters tomato flavour..

Dunno.. I feel i've become dependent on avalyn & peng.. i'm very used to them already.. They brought me out of my shell..

Sometimes i feel i need to go back in my shell.. living my boring life..
dunno... i always tell her that if she finds someone else that she really love.. then i will wish her happiness..
Well... it's a high possibility.. i am not the best and definitely 1 of the worst..
I've thought of this before.. I realise Love itself is really very weida.. I love her till the point where i just want her to be happy.. I'll do anything and go to any lengths just to relieve her stress & make her happy... even if she is not my gf...
Getting her as my gf is really a remote possibility.. thought she say she got abit like me.. which had me staring at that sms repeatedly for a damn long time.

Well.. i dunno what i will do if she has another guy as bf.. probably i'll just go back deeper into my shell.. maybe i'll just slit my wrist.. haha.. really thought of that before...

i dunno.. I've done all of what i can.. I've cracked my brains and did anything i could tink of... wonder what else can i do... sigh..

waiting for you

Sunday, May 24, 2009
5/24/2009 03:30:00 AM

Sometimes i wonder what she does all the time...
a lil secretive.. like u only know a part of her life.. but u wont know the other part...

Feel really happy and ecstatic whenever she messages me. No matter she is happy or sad. cos i'll be there to share her joy or her troubles.

She's really uncontrollable haha.. well that's her. Bu Jian Guan Cai Bu Liu Lei...
but it's really cute of her..
Imagine she will never drink chinese medicine or herbal drinks at all, but when she sick, she will drink alot alot..

Eye pain = put many many eyedrops..
Sore Throat = many many strepsils..

sometimes see already also shake head ah.. bwg..

dunno y.. no matter what she does, correct or wrong, seems so logical and cute. haha.

Waiting up the entire night for her to gimme a ring when she reaches home..
she going to do something dangerous... which has me worrying till i cant sleep. no mood play games either...

The phone is constantly next to me. Set it to maximum ring already..
Hope i wont miss her call... cos she always wee hour call ppl will give that short little ring, more like half a ring... u miss it, then she wont call again..

Waiting for her to tell me that she's safely back home again...

waiting for you

Saturday, May 23, 2009
5/23/2009 02:04:00 AM

Well.. it's nearly a week. still emo. still fan.

Changed the blog addr. so that all previous ppl whom i gave access to can no longer see anymore.
dun tink i wanna give this address to anyone anymore. lidat i can write everything & anything i want.

I've managed to put enough money together to get 3.8k... damn.. wish it was before... now damn broke... even a 3.8k i also have hard time putting together.. and that is after scraping almost every cent i have and then borrow from my relative.

My mum's clever. she knows i need money... she can observe my actions.. when i dig out all my money stashes & ask her for my bankbook.

Guess what. she knows it's Avalyn.. omg... she just said "Must be RuiLing rite. or else anybody u wont be so kancheong & so willing to spend this much money"

This time i managed to scrape together 3.8k... next time really cannot already... sigh.. am really really broke...

Have to watch on what i've spend on already... Not gonna buy any more gadgets.. no more shirts/jeans... Shoes wait till really badly damaged then buy. lidat can save $ le ba..

Been so long since i've been in debt... i never owe anyone other than my mum more than $100..

Hope to solve all her problems.. dun mind if it means creating problems for myself..
di siao-ed her by saying her problems never-ending 1.. 1 end 1 come.. she got a lil pissed off.. *emo*

Gary is rather pissed at me. tink he complains alot about me to Anthony already..
Been talking on the phone during work abit too much.. that time off 2 days then weekend then mc again... then i took off days & leave abruptly.. then plus that morning urgent leave i took then never attend the 8am mtg...

This mth.. all the leave & off i've taken... all is for her haha.. i dun mind though. it's really worth it. If this little trouble can help solve her problems.. it is really really very worth it..

Damn broke now.. dunno how i can jio her in the future.. hell.. i dun even have enough to pay for her meals...
Asked her several times to be my gf.. by sms.. by phone.. by face-to-face.. all fail leh.. she siam the question... dunno if she take me seriously or not haha... or maybe she shy...
sure hope i have the chance la... dunno.. compared to the rest.. i am sort of the closest already.. As in.. she trusts me to do things for her, she trusts me to tell me her inner thoughts..
Even when she is seh, she still can remember got me and tell me to fetch her.. although that day i also seh from medicine still go fetch her.. i feel really honoured and happy.. at least when she is seh cant tink properly my name does appear in her head..

waiting for you

Sunday, May 17, 2009
5/17/2009 08:32:00 PM

Life sucks.

Everyone around me is having problems...

Funny thing huh. when i have no problems, people around me have problems. when i have problems, ppl around me have even bigger problems.

Sigh.

I really dunno what else i can do... what can i do to make you fall in love with me..

I've done nearly everything there is possible.. i really dunno what else i can do already...

I've always tried to be there for you whenever u need me. No matter how broke how tired how much my parents objected, i will always be there..

I know i cant move ur heart.. i cant make u fall fully in love with me yEa...
but i really really love u alot alot...

Sometimes i feel so close.. sometimes i feel so distant... really like a rollercoaster ride.
i dunno y it has to be you.. I've never been so concerned so crazy over any person..
I feel i'm not even myself anymore.

You say i'm a gd person.. but really.. nobody likes good guys. perhaps u are different. but i dont see the effect yet..

I really done everything i can tink of le.. i ask from frens for tips.. everything.. all can do 1 i've done le...

Everyone tells me to give up. say find another 1...
but.. i just dont give. i wont give up....

Ppl say I'm stupid, dumb, idiot, kum, noob, failure, throw guy face, look down on me. but i just dont fucking care. I'm already numb to all these.
No matter what ppl say, i just dont wanna give up. i dont wanna regret my entire life...
Even if i fail.. at least i've tried and trying my best.

I really really love u... yEs i do... no1 has made my heart beat this fast.. i've never dreamt of someone so often.. i've never thought of someone this much..

funny thing is, when ppl hear what i did, they all say "wow if a guy/girl does these to me, I'll be his/her bf/gf la!"

i dunno... wooing u is a rollercoaster ride... but i've never been really that close physically.. maybe bcos i dont dare to touch u & i dont wanna touch u before u are my gf too.

In the background, i would daresay mE & pEng are the closest to u le..
u 2 are the closest to me too. Infront of u guys, i feel safe talking about my secrets.

In front of other ppl... I am so far away.. i cannot even touch u..
Looking back... i never touched u much at all... that time help to massage ur painful palm & sometimes hold u lightly by the elbow to guide u.. that's all...

Seems sad huh.. haha.. but i should say i am contented ba... to reach that position is already very good given my own standard... i dont daresay about the future. the future is so uncertain. Everything will be so different. from the past 11mths with u, i've grown used to things happening non stop. 1 incident ends & the next 1 starts.

Now i worry so much about u omg... i really feel useless that i cant help u at all..
I also damn useless that i cant come up with a mere $3600... I'm really at my wits end...
Frens all siam me.. i cant ask much relatives also... i tink i may have to take a bank loan..

Ppl always ask me & occasionally i ask myself too.. y the fuck am i doing all this.. I really have no idea... I just want to solve ur problems by any means possible, even if it means creating problems for myself.
I do admit I'm having problems with my parents, my frens and my work.. but i just dont care.
Just to go out with u, to be with u, to solve ur problems, I can just fuck care everything i have. I just want u to be happy.. As long as u are happy.. even if u are not my gf... i will be happy too.
Should u like some other guy, i will help u wherever i can.. as long as u are happy...

Wo zhen de zhen de hen xi huan ni.....
could never find the chance to ask you be my gf....
I just wish u will nod ur head... or at least give some hints.. but i know that's not ur style....
It's ok. I'll always be there for you no matter what. If u need someone to talk to, to accompany, I'll always be there for u. Right there.

I LOVE YOU... I REALLY DO....

waiting for you

Thursday, April 23, 2009
4/23/2009 03:05:00 PM

i got so many things to say. yet i dunno how to type it out..

When i thought we were actually helping.. in the end we were the one who worsened the situation.
that kind of feeling is really bad...

hate it.

waiting for you

Sunday, April 19, 2009
4/19/2009 07:33:00 AM

long time since i wrote in my diary..

been a long while..

many things happened...

i had a rather nice time at the chalet.. 4 of us in that super big chalet. lolz...

spent quite abit of money so now i'm very broke... sigh.. wish the economy was alot better... at least can get bonus and/or pay raise...

Over the past 10mths or so, my life have changed alot.
I've met new people. Made really close frens. Saw people come and go.
Knew more about the world than before.

In a sense, became more mature but at the same time, became more childish and stupid.

In this world, there are all sorts of people. People who are sly, people who are trustworthy, people who are quick-thinking, people who are flirty, people who are just plain stupid etc

I belong to the group of ppl who are just plain stupid..
hahaz... i dun like to play so much politics.. it's lame u know... quite wasting time..

But it's not just office politics etc... in life in love in many things else.

People around me have been calling me stupid, dumb, idiot, sha gua, ben dan, noob.

Oh well, what to do. That is human nature; regardless of what people tell u not to do, if u wanna do it, no1 can stop u.

Been going deeper and deeper over the past 8mths... cant step out cant go further.. stuck there.

Life itself is very funny. Sometimes u get what u want, sometimes u dont. However, sometimes u get it when u least expect it. And u may lose it when u own it.

Hence to all, cherish what you have around you before they are gone..

waiting for you

Tuesday, March 17, 2009
3/17/2009 03:30:00 AM

ah. it's been awhile since i updated my dear diary.

been so busy with doing my reports that i have little or no time at all!

rt sessions are now thrice a week! omg! tiring tiring! thank god it's gonna end this week...

anyway, the saga with my parents ended rather quickly after i had a talk with my mum.. haha..

sigh! company 10% pay cut! OmG! but got 2 days off per mth lo... everyone's mood is super sianz also..

now budget! everything save save!

Clearing leave last week of march! holiday! chalet! wEe!

waiting for you

Sunday, February 15, 2009
2/15/2009 12:20:00 PM

After my prev post, i went out to watch Underworld! NicE!

then after that walk walk abit.. saw jolin & jas, who were watching a movie too.

They watched at cine (walk towards ps) and we watched at ps (walked toward cine).

lolzzz...

went to eat.. chill out.. relax.. then went home at 6+....
so nice throughout, no sms/calls from parents at all!

thought so nice siaaa... go back should have a nice talk with my parents.
Then so nice. reach home. THEY FUCKING BOLTED THE DOOR.

KNN. FUCKING CHEEBYE. THEY GOOD.
I die die dont wanna call the house phone or call their phones and plead for them to open the door.
So what did i do? Brute Force lo wat to do. And i was so nice to reduce the noise generated.. i never zam the door hard hard lo...

i just keep pushing the door against the bolt. depends the bolt will break 1st or the door will break 1st, either 1 works for me.

Spent nearly 20mins. Bottom half of the door abit dented (It's metal-reinforced that's y never break), and the bolt slided down and opened the door!

haha! no visible damage to bolt or door! ROFL!
but i tink when the door open to my pushing that time, it swing open and broke the magnetic stopper. hahahaz.

After this incident, I'm really deeply disappointed with my parents. I've lost hope in them. I cannot bring myself to confide in them anymore.

I tried to talk to my mum but she just raises her voice everything. I'm fucking sick and tired of her crap.

Nvm Nvm.. nOt gonna speak much to them already anyway.

waiting for you

Friday, February 13, 2009
2/13/2009 09:51:00 PM

haha. it's been awhile it's been awhile...

have been going out so much at nite that i have not much time to be online!

haha.. it has been Work - Go Out - Sleep Awhile - Work - Go Out - Sleep Awhile. lolzz

but it's really enjoyable! love yA ppl!

Celebrated V day on 12th Feb 2009. Did so many 1st things lolzz.. paiseh siaaaa! lolzz~

so tireddd.. it's friday the 13th! lolz.. but today at work so far so smooth leh.. lolzz..

but gotta go back office continue testing equipment on Sat! OMG! Back to office on Valentine's day! haha... after finish tink stay inside office play afew games with the rest then go camp at home alreadyz! hahaz.

Hate going out on V Day.... See all the couples around... only gek myself nia... lolz.

waiting for you

Sunday, January 25, 2009
1/25/2009 11:13:00 AM

ArGh!

I HATE STAYING AT HOME.

My blood boils everytime i stay at home. That's y i prefer to go out all the time instead.

Ytd i spent like half a day packing my table.. and i packed the next 2 tables as well (1 i use to put modem & router & the other is my com table).

Pack till damn swee ok. even my mum also stun.

Guess what. today morning i wake up. my table is in a total mess. My sister, who happened to be packing when i was sleeping, was so nice to take all the stuff that didn't belong to her, and dumped it on my table.

Now it's in a fucking mess. #$%@$!

DAmmnit.

waiting for you

Tuesday, January 06, 2009
1/06/2009 04:39:00 AM

Ha!! It's the start of a new year! and still dear diary, u, is still being neglected by me.

Lemme recall what had been going on since the last entry...

Projects are now many many completed! but~ i got new things to do -.-!! but well, that's work.
Still Pending tasks:
1. LSMS (Sadly thrown 1 side)
2. Jumpboard2 access list checking
3. Backend eigrp test plan & testing phase
4. Dedicated Colocation migration

Oh well.. Oh well.. I learn gd stuff though..

Basically almost 'slacked' the whole 2 weeks of Christmas & New Year's Day. Not much mood to work... had to work only like 3.5days per week. shiok ah!

Never really went out much.. Went out that day (forgot which day), went to eat then by chance, bought a really nice shirt for my officer's wedding.
On the 25th, went to her wedding.. so nice la! They got sing song somemore! karaoke! then they had a macbook that was always on. GUESS WHAT! They are doing LIVE WEBCAM for my officer's ahma at home who is not well enough to attend the wedding! OMG SO TOUCHING LA!

After the wedding, was quite free. no1 jio go out countdown or anything.. so just go home lo.. sad rite hahaa... wanted to go watch movie with frens.. but tink tink abit.. all feel too damn ex to watch on a PH...

and after that slack at work hahaa.. holiday mood!

Next comes Dec 31. I dont know i got a bad ending for 2008 or a bad start for 2009 man.
I had a very nicely planned schedule.
9am -1pm : Work
2pm - 5.30pm : Reach home rest sleep eat
5.30pm - 9pm : Grandma Bday dinner @ Chinatown
9pm -12.30am : meet up with des & frens for countdown
1am - End : meet peng & cookiez for chilling out

Swee rite! haha. Closely packed.

31st Dec was half-day for all. so 1pm = PAck go home! but but but but... 12pm... got an onsite call.. omg shit man~ on standby duty... so.. DAMN. have to go down.. onsite visit timing set at 3pm.. went home rest awhile nia.. go out to customer site already.. from then on.. life goes downhill~ super arrogant customer already sian 1/2.. then we die die cant solve the issue.. headache even more...

Singtel test this test that.. say ok leh.. i arrange for router change at 5.. then after router change... tmd still cannot! siao liao.. recall back Singtel... but due to late timing + off-office hrs.. must recall ppl back to work sia... sians.. and to top it all up, I have to go Chinatown for my grandma bday dinner! OmG sia!

So clever me, set the appointment of the End-to-End test at 9pm! so i had time to rush off to Chinatown, meet my grandma, grab abit food, and rush back to customer office. Reached there.. take afew pics.. then eat 2 dish.. the cold dish & peking duck. then i had to rush back to customer site liao.. The cold dish was terrible.. yucks.. duck was slightly better..
at 8.30pm, i cabbed back to customer office. lucky chinatown sooo many free cabs sia.. was still worrying if can get cab bo.. Reach back the office at 9pm.. then start the test with the poor singtel guys..

Test test test... this cant that cant.. omg omg. time ticks...
then... bloody shit.. it went past 12am! it only freaking ended at 5.30AM!
OMG SIA. TOTALLY ALL PLANS SCREWED.
I am so sorry to liwan, des, peng, cookiez & the rest of friends la!
Was the 1 who asked them got activity or not yet i am not there...
Work sucks... but what to do.. this is my line, this is my job..

The only consolation i got was meeting Des and the rest at McD when i was hungry and went out for a bite.. a short 30mins though.. then i had to go back work..

Thanks Peggy for listening to my whining on NY Eve. Thanks la sister!

After that went home.. slept the rest of 1st Jan away..

on 2nd Jan, tink god really ncie to us.. Outage! 1st day of 'Open Work' (Kai Gong) already kanna 1x big outage.. sian 1/2 siaaa...

Alas, now to yesterday!
Took half day.. then went to buy CNY clothes!
I total need like 3 shirts.. 1 jeans.. 1 shoes (jeans & shoes optional) but shirts are confirm must buy.. managed to get 1 nice shirt.. plus the 1 for the xmas eve de.. i already have 2 shirts le.. maybe wanna buy a couple more shirts & a pair of jeans..

it's 4.40am now. had been super super tired just now.. hell of a standby week.. shagged. and i dunno why i have been sitting here for the past 30min typing this when i sincerely needed sleep. and i woke up was to drink water only.. haha...

Got plenty to do this yr! should get my license soon.. then can go drive around singapore..
That is gonna be so fun..

Ha! tink i better go slp already! or else later sure ko at work!

忽然很想你
我的心天天在等你
给我未完成的记忆

waiting for you

Thursday, December 11, 2008
12/11/2008 01:10:00 PM

it's been a mth! a mth a mth!

haha sorry poor diary. had been a lil busy at work..
Recently i am very guai ok. i never go out much le lo.. guai guai at home. hehe no la! watching taiwan serials lolx~

been catching on the taiwan serials that I've missed out...

Had been rushing quite abit of projects.. Several of which are already completed & the remaining within the final stages of completion..

Except for my lsms server. NB.. just cant get that new server to work~ still trying hard though.

mmm.. officer getting married on 24 Dec! gonna attend! but need to buy a new shirt to attend her wedding.. mmm...

hectic few weeks coming up! Appraisal, project deadlines, planning for next yr project, xmas, countdown etc!

Crazily awaiting AWS!!! MONEY MONEY! :D

waiting for you

Tuesday, November 11, 2008
11/11/2008 05:12:00 AM

siao liao... my body clock auto tuned for 6hr sleep.. unless on weekend maybe sleep 8hrs.. normal day i cannot sleep over 6hr sia... automatically will wake up 1...

like now lidat lor. 10.30 sleep. 4.30 wake liao.. very sleepy but die die just cannot sleep.
so come out on com.. maybe watch show or wat la.. lolz.. rot awhile tired go back sleep. lolz~

waiting for you

Monday, November 10, 2008
11/10/2008 03:44:00 AM

Sigh. Feel so gek..

Felt so jealous! Even though it was all an act...

arghhhhh.....

kan pua sian... every other guy out there is better than me sia.
mE say rich not rich, say handsome not handsome, say daring not daring, say sweet not sweet, say attentive not attentive.

no wonder after so long, although jio charbo numbers 1 hand can count.. still no result at all. bleahs...

zhen mei yong...

waiting for you

Sunday, November 02, 2008
11/02/2008 04:52:00 AM

sigh..
i feel i am so useless so stupid..

lyrics of 3 songs. i spent so much time to listen to it..
Printed the lyrics out to know the words lor...
yet i cannot even remember it when asked.

sigh..

THESE 3 SONGS CANT PUT ME DOWN!
I WILL MEMORISE THEM! ROAR!

waiting for you

Sunday, October 26, 2008
10/26/2008 05:52:00 AM

I just turned 23! older and older again.

age physically but the brain is still damn childish though.

Thanks to all who spent their time with me the whole day!

thanks for all the greetings, esp the bunch of BO XIM EH CHARBO at Chai Chee. hehehe

reunion with my old buddies too! hahaz.

Made a single bday wish this yr. it's not for myself though. hope it does come true.

Tired but brain is still awake. took cab home just now, everyone knocked out in the cab! lolz!
i like the long walk back home from my fren house.
I walk slowly.. listening to mp3.. and pondering over things. if only this & if only that haha...

*Perhaps the last piece of your puzzle lies deep within yourself*

waiting for you

Monday, October 13, 2008
10/13/2008 04:43:00 AM

it's monday!

haha.. and i'm awake at 4.40am. yea.
server got some issues at 3+.. so the duty engineer gave me a wakeup call.
seems ok now though.. before i sleep i write in u my dear diary. aint i good? =P

Ate a little too full just now.. not supposed to eat too full due to still recovering from previous gastric attack.. but well, eaten already. and i'm fine!
clever enough to drink 1 glass of orange juice help to digest the food! hahaz.

but going to sleep with a full stomach is bad... like the previous couple of times, got nightmares sia! aiyo~ still remember vaguely the details.. argh..

well ok. short post. gotta sleep. gonna wake up very soon for work though. tink i sure +_+ already.
Cold's gone, Cough's not that common other than caused by phelgm only. Only thing bad is still my clogged nose. always get cloggedd~~~

waiting for you

Saturday, October 11, 2008
10/11/2008 12:23:00 AM

darn..... just had the worst gastric attack ever....

pain was unbearable sia.. nbz.. starting still ok.. when start to pain, went to watsons popped 3 antacids.. then felt alot better....

who knew.. 9+.... the pain came back, many many times worse... i could barely walk normally.. sitting down was no better.

wish it happened some other day instead... but it happened today!
Organiser kanna gastric and pangseh-ed everyone BEFORE the gathering even started. and Somemore.. the worst part happened infront of ..... *sigh*
so paiseh lor....

lucky peng knew some acupoint thingy.. he press already the pain did subside sia... lolz..
but his fingers must have been damn painful too.

Wanted to hail a cab but there was simply tooo long a queue... so i took the mrt back instead.. tink it's faster lor.. now i've reached home and feeling alot better.. tink most of the gastric has subsided liao.. only minor little attacks that are very bearable.

Sorry to Avalyn, Meifang, Alan, Peng & Melvin for pangsehing last min.
Though u all will never see this post, but i'm regretful that i cant join u all :(
u all must be having so much fun..
NEXT TIME K? Next time i sure will be gd and ready!

waiting for you